S3E26
· 38:46
My name is Caleb Brown. I, I used to go to school here back in the day and, loved my time at Briercrest. It transformed me and really pushed me to where I am today. And, yeah. I wanna share, a bit of my journey through sexual brokenness into wholeness.
Caleb Brown:And I've given this talk a lot, here at YouthQuake, and it's kind of changed over the years as I've continued to follow Jesus and as I I know him more and experience him more. So I'm gonna just share my my journey with you, my my process through the last few years, my experience, and I think overall, I really want to communicate the father's heart and how much he loves us and and how that one thing can change everything. So, before I really get into it, I wanna, just lay a foundation of who the father is. You might know this, maybe you don't. Who's heard of the parable of the prodigal son?
Caleb Brown:So this parable, it's about a son who takes his father's inheritance. He runs away, squanders it. It says that he was, in prodigal living, and, he just he did the worst thing possible and just squandered his father's inheritance. Now what I love about this parable, and I I think sometimes we miss this, we think it's all about this son, this wayward prodigal son. And our most of our Bibles will actually have a title that say the prodigal son, but I think the focus should actually be about the father.
Caleb Brown:It's it's I don't think it's about a prodigal son. I think it's about a compassionate father. That is the focus of the story. And now this story talks about how the son squandered his father's wealth. He's with pigs, and he's he's in this really low, low place eating with pigs.
Caleb Brown:Now the father is waiting at home. He doesn't have his arms crossed. He's waiting for his son. The father never stopped being the father and the son never stopped being the son. He was always the son, even though he went a little off track.
Caleb Brown:And I think that's really important, and that is a very good picture of how we can see the father. It's it's such a clear picture that Jesus presents to us, of who the father is. And sometimes I think, we can get a little confused and a little lost with understanding who God is, but Jesus makes it very clear to us. So we see this beautiful picture of a father that has open arms. He celebrates his son returning home.
Caleb Brown:He froze a feast for him, throws a party. He doesn't shame him. He doesn't give him a list of all the bad things he did. He just welcomes him home. In a similar way, we we see Jesus doing this, right, with with all the people that he encounters.
Caleb Brown:Another passage is Luke 15, the the story of the lost sheep. He leaves the 99, the shepherd leaves the 99 to go after the one. That's another really good picture of who the father is. Very, very clear picture that Jesus gives us. Another a few other pictures of the father, Jesus says in Matthew seven verse 11, he talks about earthly fathers and that they they give good gifts, but he puts that in contrast to your heavenly father.
Caleb Brown:He says, how much more will your heavenly father give good things to those who ask? So he's he's making these very clear statements about who the father is. I'm gonna end with John eight, and then we're gonna shift gears here. So John eight is the story of, a woman who's caught in adultery, and, she's actually taken by the religious leaders, exposed, and brought in front of Jesus. And as you can imagine, this is a very vulnerable moment for this woman.
Caleb Brown:She's dragged out in front of Jesus and accused and shamed. And I think it's really interesting to know and important to note that Jesus isn't the one that dragged her out there. He is not the one that wanted to expose her. Right? But that was the religious leaders.
Caleb Brown:That's the religious spirit wants to expose and shame and condemn. And Jesus, as they drag her in front of him, he doesn't shame her or condemn her. He does the opposite. He says to all of the people around, he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Now Jesus is the only one there without sin.
Caleb Brown:He's the only one there. So with that logic, Jesus should have casted the first stone. But he wasn't playing their games. He is not a god who throws stones. I think that's really important, especially when we talk about, people who are struggling with their sexuality, that God he's not a God who casts stones.
Caleb Brown:And Jesus makes that very clear. Like, it's it's abundantly clear. And if we don't get that, we don't get Jesus. So why am I why am I sharing that with you? Well, I think I think it's so important that we know who the father is.
Caleb Brown:Because when we know who the father is, we know who we are. We are our daughters. We're sons. We're children of God. We belong to him.
Caleb Brown:And he loves us so much. He loves us so, so much. So I'm gonna share a bit of my journey now, how I, processed this reality in the last ten years. So when I was really young, probably, I think I was around the age of seven, my dad left my home, he left my mom, and that really messed with our family. It really messed with who I was.
Caleb Brown:It messed with my identity. Also, around that time, I was exposed to pornography at a really young age. That also affected my identity. It it messed with who I was. It made me confused about things.
Caleb Brown:And on top of that, not having my father present, it really, really changed, the framework and the the DNA of our home. And, all that while, as I was a young man, I I was just really struggling to to understand who I was. From a really young age, I experienced same sex attraction, and so I was wrestling with that. Who who am I? Why why do I have these attractions?
Caleb Brown:I I was aware of of some scriptures at the time. I was aware of the narrative of Genesis that God created male and female in his image, and he said that, they were very good. I was very aware of that story. And from a really young age, I I had this desire to marry, to be married to a wife, my wife, and to have children. Always had that desire, but I had these other desires that were, predominant in my life, and I was really torn and confused by that reality.
Caleb Brown:And it it wasn't clear to me at the time, but looking back, it's very clear to me how all of the things around me were shaping my identity. My dad leaving, being exposed to pornography, being bullied when I was a youth, being called gay, and all of these names. I was someone who hung out with a lot of girls. I was really, really skinny in high school, and I was always made fun of. And that also shaped my identity.
Caleb Brown:I started to believe, the things that people were speaking over me. In 2013, I had an encounter with Jesus. I was in Victoria at the time. I just graduated high school. And right before this, I had no desire, no desire to follow Jesus, and I I mean it.
Caleb Brown:I had no desire to be a Christian. I thought they were weird. I still kind of think that. My friends at the time, if you would have talked to them or if if, if one of them would have said to me, Caleb, in a week, you're going to follow Jesus, I would have laughed at you. Like, I had no desire.
Caleb Brown:But one night in my room, God showed up, and he showed up in a really dark place, and everything changed. I I encountered his presence. I felt the embrace of the father, and my whole trajectory changed at that point. Now, I still experienced same sex attraction, and it just became this this wrestle where I was experiencing God. I felt loved and known and cared for by God, and I was walking with him and just feeling his presence, but still experiencing this thing in my life that if I'm if I'm reading the scriptures right, they they teach a different story.
Caleb Brown:There's there's a story of god's intended design for male and female, and I do believe that. And so I my reality was at odds with that story, and I had to try to reconcile that reality, which was really hard. It wasn't easy. I cried a lot of tears, and I felt a lot of grief over that reality and wrestling with that. From when I became a Christian up until two years ago, I had a I had a good life, but it it was really hard walking through that, trying to navigate how did what does this look like to follow Jesus and wrestle through my sexuality and feel like my desires are at odds with what what the scriptures say and and God's intended design.
Caleb Brown:I was hearing at the time two different narratives coming at me. One narrative being, people let's let's call them side a and side b. So side a would be people who are affirming. They they believe that the scriptures affirm, same sex relationships and any any relationships outside of, a male and a female in in marriage. So that's side a.
Caleb Brown:And then side b are people that, people like me who might experience same sex attraction, but they're choosing to be faithful to what they believe the scriptures are saying that God intended, male and female to to be together. So there's those two sides. Now side a, I was hearing them tell me that, oh, you are suppressing who you truly are. This is not who you are. You're you're you're you're fighting this fight and, like, what what are you doing?
Caleb Brown:You're wasting your time. Like, just embrace who you are. Accept who you are, how how you were made with these desires. Don't suppress that. So that's that was one narrative talking to me.
Caleb Brown:The other narrative in the church was equally unhelpful. That narrative was well, there's two narratives there. You can be celibate and follow Jesus, which no one wants to hear that, especially someone who desires to be married. Or the other narrative is you you're gonna deal with these attractions for the rest of your life. And you you should and you probably will get married, but it's gonna be really hard, and you're gonna suffer through it.
Caleb Brown:And it's just gonna be this long road of of suffering and struggle, and you're gonna struggle to be attracted to your wife. And there's gonna be this constant, tug of war in your marriage, and it's gonna be really hard. That's what people told me. And I I believed those things. I heard other people's stories of of people like me who got married to someone of the opposite sex, And I heard about their marriage, and I'm like, man, this this doesn't seem life giving.
Caleb Brown:It doesn't seem like good news. It's not something that I really want, if that's what it what it's like. And so I really struggled. I was like, god. Like, there's all of these voices around me are telling me things that I I just think are unhelpful and wrong, and neither neither stories are good news.
Caleb Brown:I would say to the people that were telling me that I was suppressing who I am, I would actually say that they're suppressing who they are. That might sound a little hard harsh, but, if we believe we're made in God's image, and that he said we are good, and that's the most important thing about us. And that is the thing that trumps all other identities, all other, things that we say about ourselves. The most important thing is that we're made in his image. And if you if you walk away from that, you're actually the one suppressing who you are, rejecting who you are.
Caleb Brown:So it's kind of ironic that that's that's the narrative that people say. And on the other side, I'd be hearing this from Christians that this is gonna be your life, be celibate, abstain from marriage, from sex, which I have no desire to do, or I'll be married and it's gonna be really hard. And not just normal hard, but, like, really hard. And I'm just like, this is this is ridiculous. Like, this is not, what God has for me.
Caleb Brown:And so I resisted, both of those narratives. And if you know me, I'm pretty stubborn. I have a stubborn faith. I when when God says something to me, I I run with it, and I ignore everyone else. So I'm dealing with these different narratives, and I remember at the time, many years ago, when I was still at Briarcrest, my best friend, he I was talking to him about this, and he was someone that always sat with me and, like, sat in that grief with me and really, felt my pain.
Caleb Brown:And I remember this this one day he said to me, he's like, Caleb, I don't think that this is a cross that you have to bear. And I I was kind of offended when he said that because here I was all these years, like, taking up my cross, denying myself, like, really fighting the good fight, being a faithful Christian, and not giving into these desires that I had, but trying to follow Jesus. And he says to me, I don't think this is the cross that you're called to bear. I don't think this is what God wants for you, to to have this life of of grief in your body and and not feeling satisfied in him. And again, at the time, I I couldn't receive that.
Caleb Brown:I didn't really fully see what he was saying, but I do now. I through in the last two years, I've experienced a complete shift in how I view myself, in how I view the father, and in how I view sexuality, identity, all of that. So what God was inviting me into was not a life full of sorrow, suffering. I think sometimes, not just my experience, but I think, a lot of messaging in in the church, there's there's this emphasis on on dying, on suffering, which there is there is an aspect of that. I I know all the scriptures.
Caleb Brown:We we know Jesus led the way to the cross, and we are invited to share in his death and resurrection. But I think there's an aspect of it that we've taken that's that's wrong, and it's not life. It's not resurrected life. Jesus rose from the grave. He triumphed over death.
Caleb Brown:And I would make the statement that he did that so we don't have to. We don't have to live a life of pain and sorrow because he he paved the way for us. And so about two years ago, as I was in this really dark place, I remember crying out to God. I was I was really tired of this fight. I wanted to give up, and in some ways, I did.
Caleb Brown:I really did in some ways. I I was in some relationships that I knew were wrong, that I knew were unhealthy, and it made me more confused. And I remember saying this prayer. I said, God, would you show me that you are the God that sees me? And if you know, it's that prayer is from, Hagar.
Caleb Brown:Hagar was, at the time, she was one of Abraham's slaves. And, Abraham and Sarah, they received a promise from God that they would receive a son. And they were old, so it it this was like a promise, and it was a miracle. What they did, Abraham and Sarah, was took it into their own hands. Instead of trusting what God had said, they decided to take hold of it and do it in their own way.
Caleb Brown:Because of that, Hagar got pregnant with Abraham's son, but it wasn't the promised son. After that, Sarah got jealous. They threw Hagar out of the camp with the son, and there's this moment where Hagar's walking along the road, and the angel of the Lord comes to her. He comes to her in this space where she was used and abused and broken and vulnerable. And and he he comes, which I just think is so beautiful.
Caleb Brown:I think sometimes we, like, we, like, just put Abraham on this pedestal, like he was this perfect person, but he was not. This was a really nasty thing to do to someone, and God was not a fan of it. And so he came to Hagar. He showed up. And after that encounter, there's this beautiful moment.
Caleb Brown:Hagar names God, and she is the first person in the Bible to name God, which is really beautiful. And the name she gives him is, you are the God who sees. You are the God who
Caleb Brown:sees me.
Caleb Brown:She felt seen by God in that moment. So I I grabbed hold of that prayer. I I just related to that story in a different way, and I prayed that in August of twenty twenty two, around my birthday, and I just I needed that from the father. I needed him to show me that he sees me because I couldn't keep going if if he didn't. I couldn't keep walking this narrow, hard path if he didn't.
Caleb Brown:And shortly after that, god started to show up in really beautiful ways in my life. And I'm gonna share a bit of those, those stories. I'll try not to go into super detail, but, things started to happen that I I can't really explain other than the fact that God showed up. And it might sound silly, but I'll share a few of them. So one story was, I needed a new pair of jeans.
Caleb Brown:My jeans had holes in them. I worked at a company that can't have jeans with holes in them. And I went to the mall the next day, could not find any jeans that fit me. And I go home, I'm kinda discouraged, I'm like, I need jeans, like, I need a pair of pants. And, I didn't even I didn't even like pray or anything, but the next day a friend texted me, someone who hadn't really, chatted with me in a while, he texted me and he says, hey man, what size of jeans are you?
Caleb Brown:And I'm just like, that's a weird question to ask someone out of the blue. I tell him my size. Sure enough, we're the exact size. And he says, hey. I have a pair of jeans.
Caleb Brown:They're basically brand new. I don't want them anymore. And I felt like asking if you wanted them. And I'm just like, my gosh. Like, it might not seem that crazy to you, but for me, it was it was a direct answer to that prayer.
Caleb Brown:God, would you show me that you see me? And he did buy a pair of jeans. And that just did something in my heart that started to reveal who God was, that he's a good father. Jesus says, like I quote quoted earlier, that he gives good gifts to those who ask. What good father wouldn't?
Caleb Brown:That's who he is. I had another experience, after that, a lot bigger than a pair of jeans. So at this point in my life, I had not owned a vehicle for seven years, and it was getting to the point where I I did need a car. I didn't have the money. I could have saved.
Caleb Brown:I could have financed a vehicle, but I didn't have peace about any of that. I had this sense that God wanted to
Caleb Brown:give me a vehicle, which
Caleb Brown:I know sounds crazy, but I am crazy. I am praying and believing this. I I remember telling someone asked me, are you gonna buy a car? I'm like, honestly, I think I think God's gonna give me a vehicle. I just I felt that in my spirit.
Caleb Brown:And it was part of this season, and I in between the pants and the car, I experienced a lot of other moments where God showed up and provided. And so I'm believing for this car, and in January 2023, a few months later, I'm at my house that I was living at at the time, and I had a few people living there. And one of my housemate's friends is over that day. She comes up to me, and she hands me a pair of car keys, and she says, this is your car. And I'm just like, woah.
Caleb Brown:Like, you're kidding me. I I was in shock. I thought she was joking. I did not understand what was happening until she brought me outside and presented her vehicle to me. Little did I know, she had been receiving dreams from god about giving her vehicle to me.
Caleb Brown:I barely knew her, so we didn't have much contact up until that point. She didn't know my process of believing for a car, and she had multiple dreams about giving her vehicle to me. And the thing she said to me when she gave me her car was, I really felt from God that he just wants you to know that he loves you
Caleb Brown:and he sees you.
Caleb Brown:And at this point, I'm just like, okay. Like, I I really thought, like, anything is possible, you know, like, and I I really believe that. That that changed how I viewed the father. It changed how I pray, and it it wasn't ever about material things. I want I want you to hear that.
Caleb Brown:It was never about, like, name it, claim it, but it was about God just showing me that he sees me and he loves me, and and that he he doesn't want me to think anything else. Now how does this connect to my sexuality? Well, in probably a week later, I'm sitting in this car in January of twenty twenty three. I'm sitting with my friend, and as I mentioned, all of these, like, acts of kindness and these gifts from the father, they they did something to my heart. And I remember sitting there with my friend, and I said to him, I said, Levi, I feel like I'm gonna meet my wife this year.
Caleb Brown:In the same way with the car and other things, I would just say, you know what? I think I think God's gonna give me a car. But then that went to, I think I'm gonna meet my wife this year. And at this point, my heart was still really broken. And even the thought of marriage, the thought of marrying someone of the opposite sex, being attracted to them, that was not, like, my reality.
Caleb Brown:And I really struggled to believe that I could be capable of that because I hadn't up until that point. And so any thought of marriage or even praying for it was, like, hard for my heart, and it it it was painful. But in that moment, I felt like something grabbed hold of me, and I just I declared. I said, I'm gonna meet my wife this year. Right after that day, I committed every Saturday to praying for my wife, believing that this is something God had for me.
Caleb Brown:Even though my attractions were telling me otherwise, I pushed through that, and I said, you know what? I'm gonna believe what he has said, and I'm going to trust in his design that it's better than anything I could do myself, that his way is better. And and I had been experiencing that, his provision and his kindness that he could do it so much better than I could do it myself. And so I was praying every Saturday for my wife, believing for this hypothetical woman, praying for her, praying specific things about her. And I remember during this time, I started to to pray very bold prayers.
Caleb Brown:I I remember praying saying, God, I I need a miracle. I'm not attracted to women. I haven't had a long relationship more than, like, two months in my life, and I need a miracle. If this is something you have for me, it's gotta be good, and I need a miracle. And so I was banking on that, and I remember praying this prayer that I would be so attracted to my wife and that she would be so attracted to me, that there would be no doubt of attraction, there would be no struggle that people would tell me about, that it's just gonna be hard, it's gonna be this long road of suffering.
Caleb Brown:But I I was like, no, that's not what God has said to me. And so I I believed and I prayed those prayers. And, my fiance is in the room right now. Jennifer in the back here. I met Jen in April, 2023, April eighteenth.
Caleb Brown:So a few months after, I started saying I'm I'm gonna meet my wife this year. And there was no one. There was no one around that I was like, she's my wife. Like, it was just there was no one. I've I've never had that experience.
Caleb Brown:There was bible study at our our young adults group, and she came through the door, and and I knew in that moment. And my whole world changed in that moment. And I I could see the good gift that God had for me and that his way is better. And that I didn't have to strive for it. I didn't have to try to make it happen.
Caleb Brown:And, that being attracted to a woman was possible because I'm very attracted to her. Sorry if that's too much information, but, I I'm really proud of that. It's it's an answered prayer. It's a miracle, and it what grieves me is that I think there's there's so many people telling those other narratives, and I actually think, the father has something even better. There's some that he wants to take us higher above all of those other opinions, above those, other realities that people experience.
Caleb Brown:They're they're real. My my attractions are real, but it's not the most important thing, and it's not who I am. And that that was my journey of of coming to terms with that reality that, I'm not a Christian who's same sex attracted. I am a son. I'm loved by the father, and that's who I am.
Caleb Brown:And that's the most important thing. And when I grabbed hold of that reality, everything changed. And I I got to a point where I was no longer even comfortable saying, I I'm I'm a Christian with same sex attraction. It's still part of my experience. But if I can just say in the last two years, before it was, like, big, it was this big thing over my life.
Caleb Brown:Now it's it's very small, and and she's really taken up all that space now. And so I I I just share this to be an encouragement. You might maybe your story is not at all like mine. Maybe you're not dealing with with same sex attraction or confused identity. But I think something that we all need to hear is how good the father is.
Caleb Brown:That no no thing is out of reach. Like, no no thing that you're believing for or praying for is out of reach. Jesus says, there's this one scripture he says, with God with God, all things are possible. And then there's another one that says, all things are possible to the one who believes. And so he actually is inviting us to to live in a space where there are no impossibilities, that anything is possible to the one who believes.
Caleb Brown:And I think that is the the life that possible to the one who believes. And I think that is the the life that Jesus invites us all into. Sadly, I think a lot of people don't live in that sphere, and they're they're operating, in a mindset that's that's very limited. It's a limited God, and I would I would also argue it's not a good God. And and sadly, that's been the primary message, I think, in in the church.
Caleb Brown:People like to be cautious about believing for big things and believing that anything, literally anything is possible. Jesus says in John 15, ask and it will be given to you so that my father is glorified and you bear much fruit. And some people like to explain that away and try to make it say it's some it's saying something else, but it's saying he's saying exactly what he's saying. Ask and it will be given to you. Delight yourself in the Lord Okay.
Caleb Brown:And he will give you the desires of your heart. That verse actually used to be a painful verse for me to hear. I would be really frustrated when someone prayed that over me. I'm just like, you have no idea what I'm what I'm what the desires of my heart are, the things that I'm longing for. And people would just speak it over me like, Caleb, like, the Lord wants to give you the desires of your heart.
Caleb Brown:And I really I hated it at the time because I'm like, oh, you have no idea. I want the desires in my heart, but I'm not receiving them, and I can't have them because of my experience. But now I I can hear that and actually say, you know, it's true that when you delight yourself in him, he will give you the desires of your heart. Okay. Well, kinda changed the direction I was going there for a bit, but, I wanna take a moment, actually.
Caleb Brown:It's a smaller group, so I think I think we can do this. I want us to take a moment to just listen to what the father is saying to us. Again, my story might not connect with you at all, but maybe you can connect to who the father is and what he might be saying to you about himself. And maybe what he might be saying to you about you, how he feels about you. I don't I think a lot of people don't realize that god actually likes you.
Caleb Brown:He thinks good thoughts about you. He's fond of you. He's not angry with you. He doesn't wanna punish you. He's not this vindictive, wrathful, bipolar god.
Caleb Brown:He is the god that Jesus reveals him to be. And as I went through earlier, it's very clear who the father is. It's very clear. So I want us to take a moment to to ask the father a few things. This is a practice that I do very often.
Caleb Brown:I'll just open my journal, and I'll ask god a few questions, and I'll just wait for a response. And if you haven't done that before, that's okay, But I would encourage you to try it out because God's always speaking to us. What what good father wouldn't wouldn't be always communicating to his children? So let's take a moment, and ask God two things. Before we do that, I just wanna say if you haven't done this before, often it's the first thing that comes to your mind.
Caleb Brown:And try not to overthink it, but just posture yourself to receive what the father is speaking to you. So two things, questions to ask God. Father, who do you say that I am? Or another way to put that, father, would you show me who I am? Father, would you show me who I am?
Caleb Brown:You might you might get a picture. You might get a scripture that comes to your mind. You might get just one word. Father, would you show me who I am? Another question you can ask is, father, what is something that you're saying to me right now?
Caleb Brown:Father, what is something you're saying to me right now? Maybe you heard something. Maybe you didn't. But I would encourage you this this weekend to to make space for him to speak to you. Make space for him to to show up and love on you.
Caleb Brown:Just make space for him to delight in you because he really delights in each one of you. There's a scripture, I think it's in Isaiah, that talks about the exchange of ashes for beauty, And I think it's it's it's really helpful to to approach God and say, God, what's what's something that you want to exchange right now? And what do you wanna give me in return? Because he always wants to give you something in return. That's what he did for me.
Caleb Brown:When I was living in ashes, he gave me so much beauty, joy for mourning. That's what he does. He he exchanges so well, and, he wants to do that for all of us. So I'd encourage you to take time this weekend, listen to what the father is speaking to you. My story, although it might be kinda crazy at times, the the things I've experienced, I don't think this is unique to me.
Caleb Brown:I'm really confident that this is exactly who the father is, and I really prayed that he would show me that he sees me. And I I grabbed hold of of his truth and what he has said, and I did not let that go until he showed up. And sometimes, that's the place he brings us to. I hope I don't not hoping that all of you have to go to that place. I hope it's actually easy for you to receive the father's love and to experience him in those ways.
Caleb Brown:But just know how good he is. And if there's any doubt, if there's any lie that tells you otherwise, just throw that out the window and just say, father, I know who you are, and I know who you say I am.
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